A young girl, Jane, came in for therapy because she felt
victimized in the neighborhood at school. Her dominant father showed her how to
fight back physically, and berated her because she couldn’t do that. Her mother
fretted and worried but had no solutions. Jane knew what she wanted but was
afraid to share her ideas for fear they were no good. Her self confidence was
severely lacking.
The four of us worked together to empower this child, using
the following ideas. Both parents were willing to listen and learn and change
their behavior.
Listen to your child
This was an especially difficult task for both parents. The
father was used to discounting what Jane said. When he began to listen, Jane
didn’t know what to say at first. Mother was used to telling Jane her solutions
were no good.
Ask for his or her
opinion
It took some time for this family to open their
communication and discuss their issues. But therapy gave them a time of accounting,
and they were successful.
Come up with
solutions together
The three of them found it fun to come up with answers
together. Although the father found it hard not to impose his ‘law’ in the
discussions, he did learn to keep his mouth shut and listen.
Work together to
unravel a problem
Mother had the most difficult time being solution-focused.
She was not used to following through resolve a problem. Over the years she had
kept herself in a constant state of drama, and it was hard to let that go.
Discuss your success
When this family had a victory in solving a problem, they
were able to talk about the things that worked and the things they would do
differently next time.
Ask the child how he
or she feels about the victory
Both parents were delighted with their success, and praised
Jane. I suggested that they asked Jane how she felt about her triumph.
Over the months, Jane’s relationship with her family and
friends changed. She no longer felt victimized by those around her. Her mother
watched Jane share her ideas when she had play dates. She could lead and follow
in the activities.